I Hate Myself

I Hate Myself

Before coming to this college (SJIT), I went to bombay (main branch) along with my dad for my admission. I saw students, parents very particular about their branch selection. Finally my turn came,I got selected into civil branch at SJIT. I came out, walked for about half a kilometer to reach the nearby bus stop.

There entered a special person (never thought how special she would be for me) into my life. I met her father , we talked, he was so friendly. I looked at her felt something special,never knew why.We entered into a bus, my eyes searched for her and stopped as soon as they found her (those eyes).

Then at the Main Bus Station, I saw her holding her father’s hands, can’t even explain how good she was. It was time for us (I and dad) to go back home. We(I and dad) entered into bus, I  was praying god, hoping her to enter the same bus but fortune was not in my favour.

The day has come, the day for me to leave my home, my mom, dad, brothers, Ahmadabad and leave to Delhi for my best(may be not) 4 yrs of rest of my life. It was in the train, I saw her for the second time.S he was holding her mobile, even she saw me and I felt happy that she recognized me.

I want to talk to her. EGO stopped me from talking. Finally we reached delhi,we got separated at railway station.

The next day(my first day @ SJIT) I and my dad reached college in the college bus where my eyes searched for that special eyes but couldn’t find them. In Admin building, I once again met her father we talked there for sometime, but still I was dying to talk to her, know her name. EGO once again stopped me (I Hate Myself) from talking to her.Those eyes,That smile I can never ever forget.

 Days passed, I made friends and everything was running smooth. Thanks to those interacting sessions by which I made her my friend (yes we became friends). And now I know who she is ,what her name is. I was happy that we were in the same branch. We had some common friends, We became close, may be she was more close to some other people than me but I know that I was special to her.

We used to talk, chat, smile, fight……she was a normal friend to me ?? no,I’m lying. she was special to me. We along with some friends went out to for having fun,watching movies and vinayak visarjan in 1st yr , I can never ever forget. I never thought those days will remain as memories.

 Yes, I was selfish,I used to get hurt if she doesn’t treat me as special. We didn’t talk for few days. I  used to miss her but never questioned myself, why? Just because we had common friends, we became attached easily. It was after 1st year , we even became much close in holidays.

She even told me that she would come to ahmedabadh and we would meet, I agreed but I had my brother as my 1st priority that time and I agreed to go out with him.

Sorry for that, may be I hurted her.

JUNE 2nd 2015- Your birthday,I planned to surprise you by coming to bengaluru(your home) but you went back to college. I used to do mischievous things just because I want her to smile, I want to see her happy.Now we are really good and close friends, I think so.

Then in 3rd sem,we became more close,but for her priorities changed,I got hurt.It’s not her fault may be because I expected more from her.

DASARA 2015-the day which I could never ever forget in my life, I was with her, I was very happy being with her, but as soon as I came back to hostel I already started missing her,I couldn’t stop myself from talking to her. She was so special to me, I realised that I can’t stay without her,may be people call this as LOVE. She always has an impact on me,she controls my feelings.

Then we went for a trip,I was dying to get her attention.Those moments I could never ever forget,I maintained eye contact with her for about more than an 1 and half hours. may be she noticed,may be she didn’t,but my behaviour changed,I became over caring towards her,may be I didn’t show it.Until we came back from Waterfalls into bus,everything was fine.

Agra-I roamed alone just because I was deeply thinking, my brain and heart were no more together,2 or 3 hrs in Agra-I was dying.I was talking to myself,I was questioning myself.My behaviour changed,people already started asking me whether I was ok or not.Then while coming back to college ,I think we spoke for 2mnts may be because I was unable to continue the conversation because my eyes couldn’t stop looking at her and I could not speak.People noticed,they came to know I fell in love with you with me actually speaking anything.

She noticed change in my behaviour, I know I was not normal but I couldn’t help myself.I decided to talk to her about this but before itself she asked me why was I behaving oddly,I can never lie to her,I told what I felt. She was shocked, I know every girl behaves the same way but I couldn’t handle
I couldn’t control my tears, I cried cried and cried. I was messaging,may be I had no guts to talk to her or may be I was afraid even to think that what if she doesn’t speak back. 2 days passed. She told me to forget everything and be normal ,I tried to be normal but I couldn’t.

Yes,I walked from whereever she was but that’s not because I hate her,that’s because I love her more than myself and I couldn’t bear even if small thing goes wrong.

I tried to stay away.Then came my birthday she messaged me, I really felt very very happy,my words can’t describe that happiness.She wished me in mess,that smile on my face after 20 odd days,I could never ever forget that feeling. I tried to talk to her from that day itsef but I didn’t find correct oppurtunity. Days passed, she felt ignored and started avoiding me , she started treating me as a stranger, It was my fault,I was responsible for whatever happened. I tried to talk to her but she started avoiding me.

I called her, she told she was irritated of me.I wrote letter to her because she told me not even try to talk to her.I started hating myself. I called her but she went away from there ignoring me.yes,I deserve it.I want to know what actually her problem is?she never replied to whatever I do. She blocked me on fb may be 30 odd days after me telling her my feelings,but why,what happened,what is the reason?I irritated her,this is the only thing I came to know.

 Don’t I deserve a second chance?
Now ,I decided to stay away from her friends{my friends (common)}, I know it hurts, I know it creates a bad impression on me in their minds, but I am happy that she may no more feel uncomfortable. I’m dying mentally.

[{to my friends}
Sorry friends,Please don’t care about me because I’m happy being alone(I’ll act like being happy) and I’m getting used to this kind of living. I have no more tears left to cry. Guys, I hope each and everyone of you will understand.

Promise me that you guys will always make her smile, never let her tears roll down. She can’t leave without friends, she needs care and if she has any problems please and please let me know.

[sorry guys, I can’t be normal and please understand me]

We are in the same class, she comes to back of my place to talk to her friends, I feel like dying because I feel my presence to be worthless.
 [to her – Live Happily and don’t care about me because you are a gem and I’m the person who came into your life just because to give you chance of using delete button in your life. But remember there is always one guy(I) waiting for you to talk,to spend time with you,to know about you.

I can’t digest that we are no more friends and for you I’m worse than a stranger. Please forgive me.]