There I was, minding my own business. All I want to do back then was to pursue my dream, and that means I had to study harder than ever, I had to have sleepless nights, I had to pass the nerve-wracking examinations and I had to endure those God-only-knows-the-answer recitations. I had to be among the fittest to survive. My daily routine was home-school-home. Until you came.

 I thought you were the typical guy with mischievous smile who would never want a nerd-looking girl like me and also, I don’t belong to the type of girls who would be drooling for a guy like you.

I did not expect that I would fall for you. I didn’t even realize that I was falling for you. Maybe I fell for you for making me feel special, or maybe because, subconsciously, I was longing to be in a relationship, or maybe because of your charms, or maybe because of your uttered words and sweet gestures, or maybe because I thought you were the one. It suddenly happened. And I thought you felt it too.

For the first months, our’ relationship was a smooth-sailing one. I felt ecstatic, the way you made me feel special, the way you held my hands, the way you kissed me and the way you uttered those words. Slowly, my world became you. I gave every piece of me. I became focus on how it will last that I forgot that I have a life on my own.  I became too engrossed to be with you that my studies became my second priority. I was too happy to be with you that even my friends had to make an appointment so we could catch up with each other. I gave everything to you: time, love, trust and respect. In other words, I learned and loved to live a life with you that I chose to forget how to live without you.

But the harsh reality has found its way. First, I thought it was because they didn’t like you; that they just can’t understand how a girl like me could ever love a guy like you. I defended you and believed in your words. Against all the odds, I fought for you. I struggled to make them understand why I had so much faith in you because I thought you were not the kind of person who would intentionally hurt someone; who would never defraud a person who reposed trust and confidence unto him; who would never breach his promise.

It was a cycle. We fight because of her. We break up because of her. Nevertheless, you come back, saying you want me back and you don’t want to lose me and because I just couldn’t live my life without you, I assent. But it happened, again and again. The anxiety has lived inside my head and jealousy started to creep into my veins with all the warning signs here and there. But I opt to believe in you, I preferred to stick with you, I chose to trust you.

Truth has finally sprung. One faithful evening, I was told that all the rumors that I heard from other people are true. From this reliable source of mine, he told me everything. How you concealed the truth from me, how you fed me with your lies and deceit and how you intentionally made a fool out of me. I was so hurt, the kind of hurt that rips every part of me. The kind of hurt I wish no one will ever experience. But because of so much love for you, I texted you. I told you that for the last time, tell me what I need to know, what I should know and what I must know. You just told me you like me, yes. Like, not love. You used to say you love me but now the word like’ echoed for a million times inside my head. You only liked me. On the evening before my final examination, instead of working my ass to study, all I did is to cry.

Why did you have to lie to me? How could you do this to me? What did I do to you to deserve this? All these time, in the entire existence of our  relationship , you are still in relationship with her. With her. The very reason why we are always fighting. The very reason why I always cry. The very reason why I had to defend you. The very reason why I begged you for countless times that you have to let me go. All along, I never took her place; I didn’t even have a place.

I did everything that is right. I rectified every mistake I made in my past relationships. I exerted earnest efforts to make it work. I even had to defy my own rules and compromised my other priorities in the name of love. I reposed trust in you but you took it for granted. I held your promise close to my heart but you never had the intention to keep it. I loved you in the best way I could by defending and standing up for us. But why did it fail? Why it has a bitter ending, not a happy-ever-after tale? And the only answer that pops in my head is:  I did the right thing to the wrong guy. I experienced the roller coaster ride of love in the arms of a wrong guy. I chose to love the wrong guy.

Photo by Francisco Gonzalez on Unsplash