The language of her eyes

The whole buildings bathed in the colors of those lights. Chatters which lead to laughter. The night couldn’t make that house sleep. I stood there, in front of that decorated, multi-storied house. A kind of weird hope filled in . I didn’t know what to do or where to go next, I stood there and searched for that face. It’s not a coincidence that those eyes saw me. She knew I would come.

A surprise, then a little glimpse of love then fear, those eyes said a lot. I could hear her steps, fast but not steady, her breath, just like the one after our last kiss, filled with agony. She stood near me, without talking. Her eyes spoke. She speaks with her eyes the most, only a few could understand that language, though.

 “I said I would come” I answered her eyes’ queries. Just like a sudden realization of where we are, she held my hand and pulled me to somewhere. I just let me go with her, mesmerized with something. At first, I could tell the things in her that mesmerizes me, and then human language failed terribly.

She took me to the little, unused room in her terrace through the outside stairs. She was in a hurry. “I will be back in an hour, keep the door closed” she said. Stared a bit to my eyes and went away in a hurry. May be, to come back when everybody is sleeping.

I was in that room before, more than once. We kissed the last there too. The funny thing is that, we knew it never could workout. Different castes, different classes of society, orthodox family of her, we could have eloped, but that risked breaking the heart of people who lived for her, her parents. We both knew that it won’t happen, yet we just went with it. We loved even when we knew it will not workout. We kissed when we know we could never be together. We never knew what to do. Actually we have never talked about all these, we just knew.

I have spent my happiest time with her. We both are crazy in a way no outsider could understand. We never missed a rain without getting wet. We usually stay awake at night and sleep during office hours. We ate ice cream when it is freezing cold. We roam around without destinations. We make love on the most unexpected time on the weirdest places. We dance even when there is no music. Sometimes we cry when we are happy and smile when we are sad. It’s all ok because we could understand each other. We were soulmates, Soulmates who are not destined to be together.

 Last year, one day she came to me and said that her family fixed her engagement with someone. It was hard for me. I knew it would end, still it was hard. Any resistance would only result in breaking our hearts. So I let her go. All I asked was a final kiss. There weren’t tears, at least the visible ones. There was heartbreak, though. Just before leaving, her eyes asked me to say that, and I said that I would come the night before her wedding day. Not to elope, will just come and wonder what to do. That was exactly what happened.

She came back after an hour or so, closed the room and stared to me, just like she always do, except her eyes spoke different things.

 “Don’t know what to do next, haven’t thought about it” – this sentence could explain our whole relationship and it is happening again. We kept the silence out of that confusion. Then after sometime, she pulled a chair out and sat right in front of me.

 “I am getting married tomorrow” she said.
That was not so her. At last, life has managed to change her. Irony is that I survived. May be reading my anxiety from my face she quickly put a smile on her face and held my hand. “I knew you would come, but I prayed not to” she said.

 The silence followed was golden. Her undone hair – She look classy with hair undone, harder it is to make her understand. The spread kajal – as though she can’t cry without anyone knowing. Hey furious eyes – She wanted a kiss. I leaned towards her lips and she did the same. We kissed. It lasted almost a minute. She smiled with her heart out and I came to know that nothing is changed. And it felt good. 

“You look beautiful when you smile” I said. 
“Who doesn’t?” she asked.

 “Do you think of me everyday?” I asked.

 “A lot of times a day, not every second. It’s not possible to think of the same person every second. Isn’t it? “She asked

“People are very good at exaggerating, especially when it comes to love” I replied.
“Let’s go, let’s elope” She said, quickly as though she want to finish saying it quickly.

I didn’t know what to reply. I always wanted to do that but eventually she would hate me for the reason being her parents are hurt. Still, at that moment I couldn’t think of all those, I wanted her in my life, it’s a fact.
“Your parents?” I asked.
“Don’t know” She said.

“Your would-be?”  “Don’t know”
“You?”  “Don’t know”
She was still smiling. And this mystery was the thing I fell for in her. I felt like I finally understood.

I took some quick brief breaths. Happiness sprouted out in my heart. Within those seconds, I pictured a whole lifetime with her.

“Let’s go” I said  That smile in her face disappeared. Her eyes got wet a little.

 “I wanted you to say no. I want me to the one who tried the last” she said.

“Then let’s not go” I said with all the possible hurt, the bleeding heart.

We both smiled. Her hair was dancing with the little wind. Her hands were freezing. We both knew that it’s time for me to go. Time for escape from each other before we start to cry aloud.

“Bye. Love you” I said. Tears overflowed from her eyes. I stood up and look at her. She managed to smile.

“Think of me. When you are happy, think of me. When you are sad and you are broken, think of me. When something special happens, think of me. When you think nobody understands you, think of me. Spent nights not sleeping, just thinking about me. Write about me in every of your journals. Cry on my birthday. Cry every night thinking about me. Cry when you hear a love song. Cry on the Valentine’s Day. Get wet every time it rains. Write poems about me. I know it’s not possible to think of someone every second, but still do it for me. Tell people our story, ignore the ones who say it doesn’t make any sense; no story makes sense like ours. And I will do all these too “she said.

I nodded. We both within ourselves decided not to speak anything anymore. We let that be our last exchange. Her eyes said that too. I walked away from her that mid night. Each step felt like a thousand mile. My heart kept putting me down, but I managed to pick myself up. I stepped outside of her house. I was unable not to look back. Her eyes, it said to go back and get her. I stood there, mystified, wrecked.

For the first time, I questioned what her eyes said. May be I misread it. If I go back, she will surely come with me no matter what, but what if she doesn’t want that. What if she wanted her to be the one who tried last? Nothing felt harder in my life. Even though, I decided to walk away. May be I will regret not going back, but if that is not what she wants I will regret more. My tears felt so cold in the freezing night.

Night sees everything. When there is light people put masks and hide themselves. But the night knows. The night has heard all the screams and heartbreaks. The night can understand me. I walked away, not looking back again. There was this “happy pain” like the pain from a sugarcoated knife wound. We will keep loving each other. We may never see each other again, but we will. Doesn’t matter who we will live with or what we will become, we will be each other’s reason to smile or cry every time it rains. We are like that, no outsider can understand.

Some people would say that we were cowards. But think again, you will know that we were the bravest.

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash